When Safety Behaviours Become Who You Are: Unpacking the Subtle Avoidance in Social Anxiety

In therapy, it’s not uncommon for clients to say, “But that’s just who I am.”

They might describe themselves as someone who’s always busy, always agreeable, always prepared. They might be proud of how responsible they are, or how much they get done in a day. But dig a little deeper, and it often becomes clear: these patterns aren’t just preferences — they’re protective strategies.

In social anxiety, safety behaviours are meant to keep people safe from rejection, embarrassment, or failure. But unlike obvious avoidance — like skipping a party — these behaviours can be subtle, adaptive, and deeply woven into a person’s sense of self. They’re harder to identify because, on the surface, they don’t look like avoidance. They look like success.

What Are Safety Behaviours, Really?

Safety behaviours are actions people take to reduce perceived threat in feared situations. In the context of social anxiety, they’re usually aimed at preventing humiliation, criticism, or negative evaluation.

Some are easy to spot — like avoiding eye contact or holding a phone to look occupied. These are the kinds of behaviours people might be encouraged to drop during exposure therapy. But others run much deeper.

Over time, safety behaviours can become habitual ways of coping with discomfort — and they’re often praised by others. Being the helpful one. The quiet one. The polite one. The high-achiever. These roles serve a social function, but they may also serve a hidden emotional one: helping someone avoid vulnerability, judgment, or emotional exposure.

Why Subtle Safety Behaviours Are Harder to Spot

These more deeply embedded safety behaviours are often mistaken for personality traits. 

For example:

• Over-functioning and Busyness: Constant productivity can feel rewarding, but for some, it’s a way to avoid slowing down — and with it, avoid uncomfortable emotions or self-reflection.

• People-Pleasing: Always agreeing, always smiling, always avoiding conflict. Often praised as “nice” or “easygoing,” but may come from a deep fear of disapproval.

• Perfectionism: A drive to never make mistakes can be internally exhausting — and it keeps people from learning that imperfection is survivable.

• Hyper-independence: Refusing help or hiding vulnerability can look like strength, but may be rooted in fear of being seen as a burden or incompetent.

What makes these behaviours particularly difficult to address is that they are often rewarded by society. Productivity, politeness, competence — these are cultural ideals. People who embody them are seen as successful, mature, or reliable. But just because something is socially desirable doesn’t mean it’s psychologically healthy.

A person may be praised at work for always saying yes or staying late — while internally feeling burnt out, disconnected, and afraid to let anyone down.

Clinically, this creates a blind spot. The behaviours aren’t just missed — they’re reinforced.

Why It Matters

Safety behaviours keep anxiety going. While they may bring temporary relief, they prevent new learning. The person never gets to discover what would happen if they didn’t try so hard, prepare so much, or filter every word.

Without intervention, these behaviours can become so automatic — and so rewarded — that they become part of someone’s identity. That’s why in therapy, part of the work is to gently ask: Is this really who you are, or is this who you’ve learned to be in order to feel safe?

The Clinician’s Role: Curiosity and Gentle Unpacking

For clinicians, helping clients identify these patterns means looking beyond surface behaviours and asking about the function behind them.  Psychoeducation helps here — especially highlighting how safety behaviours feel necessary but actually maintain anxiety by preventing disconfirmation of the feared outcome (Salkovskis, 1991).

Some helpful prompts include:

• “What do you worry might happen if you didn’t double-check everything?”

• “What’s it like when you’re not busy?”

• “Do you ever feel pressure to be ‘nice’ even when you’re uncomfortable?”

• “What would it mean about you if you let someone help you?”

The aim isn’t to label behaviours as “bad” but to bring awareness to what’s driving them. It’s about uncovering the emotion that’s being avoided — and helping clients see that avoidance doesn’t need to be the default.

Where Exposure Fits In — and Where It Doesn’t

Traditional exposure therapy helps clients face feared situations. But when deeper safety behaviours remain in place, exposure might only address the surface. For example, a client might go to a party (tick!) but spend the whole time being agreeable and masking discomfort (still stuck).

That’s why at oVRcome, we emphasize not only exposing clients to feared situations through VR but also encouraging reflection on how they move through those situations. Are they really showing up authentically, or are they still bracing for judgment?

The goal is not to remove all protective strategies overnight — but to increase choice. To make space for clients to try doing a little less, showing a little more, and seeing that the feared outcome often doesn’t happen.

From Coping to Choice

Ultimately, the aim is to help clients move from coping to choosing.

When safety behaviours are unconscious, they limit freedom. When they become conscious, clients get to decide: Do I want to keep doing this? Or am I ready to try something new?

They may still be high achievers, helpful friends, or polite communicators. But now, it’s not fear driving those behaviours — it’s intention.

And that shift can be life-changing.

References

Salkovskis, P. M. (1991). The importance of behaviour in the maintenance of anxiety and panic: A cognitive account. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 19(1), 6–19.