Is This Really Me? How Anxiety and Phobias Can Shape Identity — And the Challenge of Letting Go

Anxiety and phobias don’t just influence how someone reacts in specific situations — over time, they can shape how a person sees themselves.

Clinicians often work with clients who have lived with various types of anxiety or phobias for years. By adulthood, many don’t simply describe themselves as “anxious” or “fearful.” Instead, they identify with traits like being cautious, withdrawn, people-pleasing, or avoidant. These characteristics may feel like core parts of their personality — but often, they’re adaptations formed in response to fear.

When asked to do something outside those comfort zones — like speaking up, facing a feared situation, or asserting boundaries — the nervous system may react as if the person’s safety is at risk, even if their adult mind knows it isn’t.

This is why exposure therapy and anxiety treatment go beyond simply “facing fears.” They also involve loosening rigid identity patterns shaped by long-term avoidance and safety behaviors.

Anxiety and Phobias: How Fear Shapes the Self

Avoidance is a common response across many anxiety disorders and phobias — avoiding social situations, certain places, animals, or sensations. While these strategies can protect a person in the short term, over time they may become embedded into their sense of who they are.

Research shows that repeated anxious experiences and avoidance can create fixed negative self-beliefs, such as “I’m fragile,” “I can’t handle stress,” or “I’m not safe.” These beliefs become internalized as truths, even if they aren’t accurate.

Some individuals develop “false selves” — versions of themselves crafted to manage or mask their fears. They may become overly compliant, perfectionistic, or hypervigilant, adjusting their behavior to avoid distress or rejection. Over time, it becomes difficult to distinguish where the fear ends and the person begins.

Letting Go of Fear-Driven Identities Can Feel Like Losing Yourself

In therapy, this creates a challenge. As clients work to change avoidance and safety behaviors, they often report feeling “fake” or “not like myself” when acting in new, braver ways. For someone who has defined themselves through caution and fear management for years, stepping outside those patterns can feel risky and unfamiliar.

It’s common to hear: “But that’s not me.”

This moment of identity disruption is a critical phase in therapy. It’s important not only to help clients change behaviors, but to support them in rebuilding a more flexible, values-driven sense of self — one not defined by anxiety or avoidance.

How Clinicians Can Support Identity Growth in Anxiety Treatment

• Normalize the experience. Confusion or discomfort about identity is a natural part of change. What feels “unnatural” often just feels unfamiliar.

• Clarify values. Using approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), help clients differentiate between fear-driven actions and choices aligned with their true values.

• Use exposure as exploration. Exposure isn’t just about testing feared outcomes — it can also be an opportunity to try new ways of being. Instead of focusing on “Did I do it right?” encourage curiosity: “What did that feel like for me?”

  
  

What oVRcome Offers

At oVRcome, our Virtual Reality Exposure Therapy (VRET) provides safe, controlled environments where clients can gently explore new behaviors and situations. But treatment with us goes beyond exposure — we also offer meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, and other tools that support self-reflection and personal growth.

The goal isn’t just reducing anxiety symptoms — it’s helping people reconnect with who they truly are beneath the layers fear has built.

References

Hirsch, C. R., Meynen, T., & Clark, D. M. (2003). Negative self-imagery in social anxiety contaminates social interactions. Memory, 12(4), 496–506.

Moscovitch, D. A., & Huyder, V. (2011). The negative self-portrait: How social anxiety shapes the self-concept. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 786–799.